Why bother?

Well, I'm not writing as often as I'd hoped.  I think I know why, although it's embarrassing to admit it:  I don't have an audience.  I enjoy the writing but often when I think it's time, I just shrug and say to myself  'why bother? No one will ever see it.'   So while the writing itself is important to me, clearly so is a readership...begging the question...why?  Why do I want someone to read what I write?  If they express an opinion, why would that be meaningful?  Why is not the creation enough? I know many writers do it for the money.  I know most do it because the words, the story, is within and requires liberation.  I have no idea how many of those writers would continue to write if no one ever read their work.  I could be wrong, but I think it may be like raising children.  You bring this work of art into being, you spend time, effort, and much anguish into creating substance and meaning.  You put your deepest self into the project, with wrenching honesty and good intentions. You tweak and polish...making it ready for the world.  That it is wonderful and beautiful is enough, but do not all we parents literally puff up with pride when someone remarks positively about our child?  And suffer silent despair when they are denigrated? (and some not so silent).  We do love that external appreciation for our work.  So I guess it's all about ego and validation.  Yes, you did a good job!  Your words really were meaningful.  Sigh.  I had hoped for something more.  Since my words are seen by no one, my contentment then must come from my own appreciation, my own wrestling and overcoming.  At least this way I don't have people shaming my "children" and they can all be perfect and interesting to me, and bring light to the world...if only to my little corner.

Flower all alone

If I did not see you here
You would still bloom

The new happiness...

I remember what happiness feels like...it's that jangly almost tingly rush of excitement.  It's that feeling of expectation and anticipation of something that is surely going to be the funnest thing ever. Happiness is doing something you love, or want to love...it's the rush of adrenalin that moves you to your goal and beyond.  It's wanting to jump up and own and run in circles to express your enthusiasm.  Eyes glowing, giant smiles, shivers of electricity.  I remember happiness.  But I don't feel that kind of happiness anymore.  I've thought for a while that I'm depressed because I don't.  Felt really sorry for myself...poor me...no excitement.  Wondered if I would ever be happy again.

You know, you find your teachers every freakin' where!  I was reading a magazine recently (I have torn the house apart trying to find it but it's gone) that talked about the nature of happiness.  It seems, according to the article, that happiness changes as we age, or at least as we mature.   Youthful happiness is all about exuberance...excitement for what's coming up.  More mature happiness is based in what is right with the world today.  A gross generalization might be that the two expressions of happiness are future vs now.  I'm in the stage of calm happiness.  In fact, happiness itself is now defined for me as contentment...the kind of feeling that encompasses gratitude for what one has, a lessening of expectation.  My life right now...the gifts, the blessings, the people, the things, everything that is good right now...creates a perhaps less incandescent but much deeper sense of satisfaction that I have lived and am living well.

There are dark things, painful things, hurt, and fear...of course...but the satisfaction comes from having survived it all so far and seeing the balance of "bad" vs "good" has been struck in my favor.  I no longer have to worry if I'm going to make it, I already have.  I don't concern myself with having to do all the new exciting things...one can't do them all and I've done plenty.  No need to rush about trying to achieve...my life is an open book...I have both achieved and failed and again the balance serves me.  I can and do pleasurably anticipate something exciting happening, but I know that the real joy comes in the savoring of the moment.  I know that excitement is a body feeling that is much more fleeting than the full sensory enjoyment of calmly appreciating the here and now.

I so recall looking at older adults as boring and having no spirit...dead before they died.  I vowed  to be different.  I promised myself to be wildly happy and yell yes to everything until there was nothing new and I fell dead from exhaustion.  That was fun for a while.  Now I find that same kind of feeling when I look deeply into someone's eyes as I did bungee jumping. Hang gliding was exhilarating, but so is gathering all your children and grandchildren (and great-grandchildren) around you.  I loved parties, but sitting quietly in a room with loved ones...each perfectly accepting each other and the moment...is much more intimate and fulfilling.  Yes, it does look boring (and occasionally is) but there is that calm acceptance...that feeling of all is well...that I now realize IS happiness.  I am happy.

Tiny tiny bud

appreciating the sun

by unfurling one petal.

Checking in

Wow...two weeks since my last post.  Life seems about the same...up and down, back and forth.  I've come to believe there is no destination..or if there is, it's just death.  We are all just bobbing in the ocean.

I have clarified some around fear and expectation...man do I have a lot of expectation!  Especially regarding family and loved ones.   There is, in my mind, the perfect picture of how things should be and absolutely no one is conforming!  How rude!  Seriously, it is my biggest problem.  People say in passing they are going to do this or that and then don't.  People say they aren't going to put up with that and they do.  People want to do something with you and then cancel.  People lie, don't stand up for themselves, forget, and sometimes just don't care.  This is nothing new...but I have just now realized that I am surprised and dismayed every time it happens. Every single time.  Talk about insanity!  Clearly I am too invested in outcome...too needy...too attached to what I want.

So, how do I uninvest?  Who is in charge of that?  Well, it's a kind of neediness so it sounds like ego. But there seems to be some fear around it as well.  And judgement.  Let me get quiet for a moment.  :::Pausing to breathe:::  It definitely feels like fear...when people don't conform to my vision, I feel unimportant.  I feel fearful they don't really care.  They don't trust that my way is best and I feel minimized.  Wow.  It's Rocky and fear in collusion!  I trust Rocky now...even tho mistakes are still made, I know he is on my side...but the fear is very large for him to handle.  :::a bit more breathing::: 
It's a reminder I need to get on with my life.  I'm still indulging in magical thinking...that my purpose, my gift to give will just show up.  I'm still waiting for my life to expand without my growing it myself.   And I am being VERY preoccupied with what I get.  Self-centered much???  LOL

I need to do two things...1) get out in the world and find what I love and 2) practice more gratitude and giving without expecting return.  It is beyond time to be of service to this world and get the heck out of my own personal litte universe.

Smooth and delicate...

Small container of new life

Cracks to let it out!

"Sokath, his eyes uncovered!"*

I have just now realized something very important...that fear is not an enemy to be annihilated.  Fearlessness is not a viable human condition, nor is it to be desired.  I am not to banish all fear, I am to look it in the eye and come to an understanding with it.  I am to feel fear, to recognize it, to call it by name...and go on with my life.  I have been doing this so wrong!  For decades I simply denied it.  I pretended it wasn't there.  When the night terrors took me, I used another method of dealing with it:  I had read so often that you must face your fear, to stay in it until it has no more power.  Guess what?  Terror can last ALL NIGHT LONG.  And when light breaks and I fall asleep, I dream, still in the arms of fear. There is no way I can overpower fear!  There is no sitting with it until I break its hold.  What occurs to me now to do is to treat it like a tantrumming child...be there with it, recognize it, make it feel safe, and go on with life.  The thing is to not be overwhelmed and to not allow it to change what I want to do.  I don't need to wallow in it, dance with it, or even think about it.  I just need to allow it to come and, most importantly, GO without it impacting me.  All this time I've felt like a failure because I haven't conquered and banished all fear!  Wrong goal!  Fear is a useful emotion and sometimes very appropriate.  The true goal, for me, is to come face to face with the fear, take a deep breath, and go forward without it.  I have a lot to think about...this is brand new ideation for me.  And no haiku today..instead this quote (which is actually almost haiku).

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them…

 ~Rabindranath Tagor

*It's a Star Trek reference that represents realization and understanding in the Tamarian 
culture.

The Force is strong in this one...

I just wanna say...

I can do anything I need to do.  

I can be what I'm meant to be.  

I have sufficient gifts.  

I am enough.  

I can create what needs to be born.  

I can destroy what no longer serves.

Mountain  with late snow

Sparkles in the morning light

I am wide awake

Quiet time

It is so easy to get caught up in the doing that one forgets to be.  Even good doing needs to stop now and then so one can just breathe.  I've been so wrapped up in my process that I realized I was not really paying attention, just playing the game.  So I deliberately stopped for a week to just notice.   To let things rise up to be seen, to swim in awareness without disturbing it.  I will not talk about some big ta-da breakthrough...I will just say that it was nice to recognize each and every thought and feeling and just let them go.  Yes, I see that I can be mean.  Yes, that was a nice thing I did.  Yes, there's that fear again.  Yes, compassion, I see you.  Yes, I notice I feel stuck.  Yes, yes, yes.  But no doing.

So last post I identified fear as public enemy #1 but I have not yet created a physical metaphor.  I do, however, know exactly what it looks like and one day I will manifest it, but for now it is enough to see it clearly in my mind.  To be honest, I have no idea how to combat it.  I have no idea how to subdue it, bring it under my control.  I have no idea how to weaken it and loosen its grip on my life.  But I do know that all is well...that what is right now, is, and I can live with it.  I will continue, for a while, to just let it be.  I will see it and know that my "I am" is bigger, better, stronger, than my fear.  And I will just abide in that.

Some of this was given me by a bird...a dove that has been coming to me for a couple of weeks, asking me to shelter it.  I finally gave in, acquired a cage, and brought it in.  Its tail has been damaged by a predator and it does not fly well.  Nor is it suited for "nature red in tooth and claw" as it is very fearless and trusting.  It is domesticated and has chosen to be protected by humans.  I will be its human and honor its fearless and trusting nature by developing more of that in myself.  Not by doing and fighting, but by being and accepting.  
The teacher will always arrive when most needed.

Sweet dove, I listened

I heard your plea and saved you

Or did you save me?

Reality check

Oh my...so much for calm!  Bad anxiety...I have resisted the Xanax so far but I make no promises.  Here's the thing...I can't figure out if I actually have been content or if I'm lying to myself.  I don't know if I'm telling myself stories to feel better or if I'm rewriting the tapes that steer me wrong.  I can't tell if I'm hiding from fear or if I'm managing it.  Am I progressing or covering up?  Working on myself or playing silly games?  Man, either Faith-less is having a fit or I'm just doing this wrong, fooling myself.  And right now I have no clue which is true.  I've tried feeling where the energy is, talking to various metaphors, every calming ritual I know...clarity eludes me.  Simple calm eludes me.

Last night I had a dream about blind people...one a student I was assisting and another a friend I was spending the day with.  And I was mostly doing things wrong for/with them.  Which part of me is the student--a basically fearless young adult soaking up the world by touch?  Which part of me is represented by Surekha, my Indian friend whom I admire very much?  And who is the bumbling fool I played, patronizing them?

I may have to take a Xanax just to be emotionally functional so I can get back to work and figure this out...maybe half of one.

This evening:  Well, I avoided the Xanax and I am feeling more in control.  I am really happy with myself for being able to persevere through hard times without resorting to 
medicine.  That doesn't mean I never will, but it's been over three weeks since I did take a 
Xanax so I'm feeling reasonably empowered over my anxiety.  I had tea with my friends Kari and Surekha today...it always helps to just sit and chat with people you trust.  

Somewhere along the line while I was NOT thinking about it, I felt a push in a certain direction...a shift in my perception.  I've been holding Rocky responsible for everything and it occurs to me that none of my base issues are his fault.  Yes, he is responsible for setting some "protections" in place and even though he went way too far, he was protecting.  I think what happened is he got overwhelmed and has completely lost control.  Not only that, but I realize that all my metaphors...victim, razor, faith-less, etc...are all faces of the same thing.  My real enemy is fear.

Have to do something...be right back.  Okay, once I wrote the words above, I had to take action.  I put fire in Spirit and took Rocky out of his perilous time out and put him back on bedrock next to Spirit.  They are a team...they need to be together--work together.  All other metaphors are removed to an ancillary rock next door...they are key players but I now know they are just splinters of the real problem.  As I said, my problem is fear.  FEAR.  I don't have a manifestation for that yet but I will know it when I see it.  And that is where my energy will be focused.

Very friendly dove

You are not afraid of me!

I bow to your heart.

Reiki thoughts part 1

Just a quick note while I'm thinking about it...

A long time ago...at least 10 years...I had a Reiki treatment that I don't remember much about but this:  I was told that I was experiencing "rat brain" -- aka busy brain, when the wheels are constantly turning with uncontrolled thoughts.  My crown chakra was muddled. This was not a surprise to me, as I have experienced preoccupation with busy brain all my life.

Today I had another Reiki treatment and my practitioner told me that my spirit is very calm and strong...she was talking about my crown chakra!  Calm!!!  Surprised, but then again, not really surprised because I think putting Rocky on time out is responsible.  I have noticed that symbolically setting aside that left brain/ego/over-thinking part of me by physically moving its avatar really allows me much better control of my thoughts.  I actually am more calm...I actually am not consumed with a constant barrage of thoughts.  

Of course I still think, I still have an ego...it's just not an uncontrolled nonstop tape of negative troublesome over-thinking.  Rocky is not running the whole show any more.

It is time to sleep

But no cooperation

From my busy brain

Planting seeds

Spring!  The seeds I've planted are sprouting....that sweet new green that can't be duplicated in any other medium.  Soon I will have sweet peas, black oil sunflowers, cosmos...a myriad of fruit, vegetables, flowers, vines.  All having started as very small, seemingly lifeless seeds created from previous life now perished.  Such short glorious lives!  And such miracles of perseverance...seeds over 30,000 years old have germinated and grown into perfectly normal plants that make seeds for the next generation.  

These tiny bits of life yearn towards the sun without thought of self...without thought at all.  There is something so heartbreakingly yielding about an annual plant...light and air needy, helpless, fragile; and yet providing nourishment for bees and humans, giving us oxygen to breathe, and flowering brilliantly in its need to reproduce and, unwittingly, delighting all our senses.  All, every nanosecond, without rational awareness, desire, or expectation.

The robustness of these plants is astonishing considering they are tiny factories made basically from light and water.  How delicate their parts are: tissue paper leaves that easily tear, roots are fragile hairs that can't bear to be disturbed, stems that rarely survive being bent but more often than not, the determined plant soldiers on...repairing what can be repaired and replacing what can't.  Putting its energy into roots, leaves, flowers, and fruit at the appropriate times...growing and shedding according to season.  All driven strictly by genetic coding...just being what it is, doing what it does.

Something deep inside me really responds to these short-lived plants that make the best possible use of all resources to fulfill their destiny.  There are very profound lessons here for me.

Tiny sunflower

From one seed will come thousands...

And happy chickens.

It's a game!

When I was taking Symbolic Logic in college, I would be given pages of pairs of "mathematical" looking expressions.  The first of a pair was my given starting point and the second was my conclusion.  My job was to get from one to the other using only the algorithms allowed.  This involved many steps of many symbols and processes.  I could zip through a dozen or two statements towards my goal only to realize I had made a logical error somewhere and would need to start over.  Sometimes I would work my way all the way to the end to find I had argued in a loop and my conclusion looked just like my proposition!  Tedious and frustrating.  It was always so hard to determine the right first step, then the right second step, ad infinitum.  I was struggling badly and completely demoralized.  I decided to visit my professor during office hours...a very absent-minded looking professor...stereotypically shabby with a myopic gaze that never seemed to settle on anything real.  But out of this angel's mouth came words that not only allowed me to pass the class easily, but changed my life (when I would stop to remember them).  He asked me why I was so nervous about the work..I explained that I just didn't seem to be understanding how to proceed logically.  Then he said it (he used a lot more words than this, but it boiled down to):  it's just a game!  You have this starting point and you have to get there; you can use any of these algorithms any way you want.  As long as you don't break any of the rules, you can be as creative or as sparse as you please.  Lightning flashed, dawn broke, birds sang, and the skies opened up...there was no "right" way to solve each problem, one only needed to be logically correct each step, i.e. you just needed an internal consistency as you went along towards the goal. 

That little lesson buried its way into my soul.  When I am most myself, most content, most 
useful, it's because I'm remembering it's just a game. There is no set path (although society may say otherwise) and you only have your own symbols and algorithms to worry about. I have basic rules I must follow, but within that framework, I can get to my goal as plain or as fancy as I want.   Above all, it's just a game.

It is with great joy that I remember this today, because it so nicely dovetails with my SoulArts process.  Something that sometimes feels like onerous burden ("fixing myself") is really just a fun game.  I use my metaphors as my symbols combined with the rigorous algorithms of honesty and unflinching bravery to work, step by messy step, towards the end game.  Thank you Dr. Woodruff!

Sweet sweet raindrops fall

Bending leaf, grass, and blossom

Run faster beetle!

A step inside

Today I realized I am at heart an introvert.  Weird weird weird...because I've always wanted a lot of people, noise, and activity.  I always thought of myself as a party girl.  And when young, I did party a lot...drugs, alcohol, music, flirting, showing off.  Now in my sixties, I guess I've just burned it all out...none of those things bring any joy at all.  In fact, now I worry that I'm failing socially, that there's something wrong with me for not wanting to be the life of the party anymore.  So is it just age that's made me a homebody?  Or have I always been a secret introvert?  I suspect the latter  and I just saw it today.  For all my partying days, I was always in the midst of my friends...people I knew well enough to be completely myself and safe.  In recollection, I remember parties and gatherings where I was not so comfortable...occasions where I was not surrounded by friends.  Today I went to a neighbor baby's first birthday...there were people there I knew, but mostly strangers.  I stayed long enough to be friendly, but actually I couldn't wait to escape the crowd.  I get it now...I am extroverted among those I trust and feel safe with, but by nature I am introverted...I lose energy and derive very little pleasure from big less-familiar gatherings.  So here I am at home now, changed into comfy loungewear, snuggled in my big red chair and I feel VERY content...not afraid, not overwhelmed, not panicky, not hiding...just content.  And I never have to feel like a party failure again.  I really like this getting to know myself.  Being true to who I really am can only bring peace.

I'd like to thank Rocky who is taking a very small role in this process...he may soon be able to leave his time out (which took an ugly turn the other day when he butted into something not his business):

Clouds of bubbles

Floating bits of rainbow

Impaled on spring grass

If hope springs eternal...

…faithlessness springs up more often.  At least in my case.  Seems any time I'm feeling secure and confident, I have a bout of mistrust in myself.  These are debilitating...I sink into panic and depression and hit bottom before I even realize it's happening.  But with the new tools I have now, I can at least affect it rather than just wallowing in it.  Using what I've learned, I set Rocky (ego) aside for a time out while I engage Spirit (true self) to rebuild what was damaged.  In the meantime I found a spring that seemed to perfectly represent Faith-less, she who falters in faith and pops up randomly to derail me.

Rocky is still in time out, Faith-less is hanging with the other troublesome bits, and I am doing well.  Actually, I have a bit of a cold, but emotionally, I'm on the mend from the plummet to the pit. It still seems really silly to have all these little characters, and sillier yet to talk with them, and yet it is helpful.  Perhaps it is the difference between reading a paragraph of directions that you sort out in your mind compared to visual pictures of how a thing is actually done. 

On another note, all the chickens are laying again after their amazing three month molt.  Yay!

Chickens come running

For seeds and corn, and thank me

With fertilizer.

Holy crap! It gets Rockier!

Out of nowhere Sunday afternoon all my calm, my peace, my balance, my happiness is gone.  Just pfffft gone.  I panic...I had already gotten used to it and now I miss it dreadfully.  Well, back to the drawing board or, in this case, my metaphor diorama.  Back to conversations with Rocky and, I suspect, even more personae.  Did I panic because I was no longer being externally guided?  Did Rocky just erupt with a huge case of grabbing back power?  I don't know, but I'll have more conversations wth myself to find out.  For right now, Rocky is being moved out of Spirit and far away to demonstrate how unhappy I am with this turn of events.  Just writing that calmed me down.  Breathe.

After a while, I decided to add my snake rocks...time to get tough with Rocky!

I WILL BE VICTORIOUS!!!

Drawing down the moon

Is no problem for spiders

With gossamer thread

Rocky start...

I was at the edge...you know that place where you're seemingly perfectly functional but are really drowning in your own bitter juices.  The combination of fear, discontent, melancholia, and a recent death had me glued to my iPad, hiding out in my big red chair.  I had lost all enthusiasm for life and was stuck in that narrow margin between too scared to live and too scared to die.  Then I met Ronda. A few months ago I signed up for a private retreat with Ronda Larue at Ojai SoulArts to try and reclaim my life.  Someday I'll talk more about that, but for now I'll just explain about Rocky, who I met at my retreat.  Oh man, what a control freak!  Small in stature, brandishing a six gun, and a total tyrant.  One of those guys that answers the door with his pistol cocked, just in case.  Ran the entire show and would not ever let another opinion shift his, or allow himself to be wrong, or let any detail escape his judgment.  Was in serious danger of destroying the life he was trying to save by refusing to change his draconian and deeply rutted ways.  Suffice it to say I was absolutely shocked to make his acquaintance...rocked to my core...literally.  Because Rocky IS my core...Rocky is my ego...my rational, left brained, subconscious  ego.  I'd been following his script for most of my life, but he didn't start out so strong...he fed on all the negative messages I'd received through the years...did not forget a single one it appears.  I named this ego metaphor Rocky because he was so weighing me down.  In his convoluted thinking, I needed to be protected from the world, but his strong-arming was aimed wrongly and his behavior just manifested as a deeply unhappy Jane.  But good news!  I learned to talk with Rocky and all the other metaphors for thought patterns/behaviors...Softy (now Spirit) and Victim aka the Sleeper, Shame, Razor, the Relationship, and brand new to the fold, the Excuser and Great Expectations.  (No, I do not have multiple personalities..it is just a technique to help get a handle on how your thinking and being works).  I am sure new characters will show up and that the cast will evolve as we work towards a happy synergy.  More good news...Rocky is willing to "retire" back to his appropriate job of reinforcing my sense of self in healthy ways in tandem with Spirit!  This is one hell of an adventure and I'm thrilled to be on it.  More tales from the front forthcoming.

Sitting in the rain

My umbrella is leaking

The candle still burns