Reality check

Oh my...so much for calm!  Bad anxiety...I have resisted the Xanax so far but I make no promises.  Here's the thing...I can't figure out if I actually have been content or if I'm lying to myself.  I don't know if I'm telling myself stories to feel better or if I'm rewriting the tapes that steer me wrong.  I can't tell if I'm hiding from fear or if I'm managing it.  Am I progressing or covering up?  Working on myself or playing silly games?  Man, either Faith-less is having a fit or I'm just doing this wrong, fooling myself.  And right now I have no clue which is true.  I've tried feeling where the energy is, talking to various metaphors, every calming ritual I know...clarity eludes me.  Simple calm eludes me.

Last night I had a dream about blind people...one a student I was assisting and another a friend I was spending the day with.  And I was mostly doing things wrong for/with them.  Which part of me is the student--a basically fearless young adult soaking up the world by touch?  Which part of me is represented by Surekha, my Indian friend whom I admire very much?  And who is the bumbling fool I played, patronizing them?

I may have to take a Xanax just to be emotionally functional so I can get back to work and figure this out...maybe half of one.

This evening:  Well, I avoided the Xanax and I am feeling more in control.  I am really happy with myself for being able to persevere through hard times without resorting to 
medicine.  That doesn't mean I never will, but it's been over three weeks since I did take a 
Xanax so I'm feeling reasonably empowered over my anxiety.  I had tea with my friends Kari and Surekha today...it always helps to just sit and chat with people you trust.  

Somewhere along the line while I was NOT thinking about it, I felt a push in a certain direction...a shift in my perception.  I've been holding Rocky responsible for everything and it occurs to me that none of my base issues are his fault.  Yes, he is responsible for setting some "protections" in place and even though he went way too far, he was protecting.  I think what happened is he got overwhelmed and has completely lost control.  Not only that, but I realize that all my metaphors...victim, razor, faith-less, etc...are all faces of the same thing.  My real enemy is fear.

Have to do something...be right back.  Okay, once I wrote the words above, I had to take action.  I put fire in Spirit and took Rocky out of his perilous time out and put him back on bedrock next to Spirit.  They are a team...they need to be together--work together.  All other metaphors are removed to an ancillary rock next door...they are key players but I now know they are just splinters of the real problem.  As I said, my problem is fear.  FEAR.  I don't have a manifestation for that yet but I will know it when I see it.  And that is where my energy will be focused.

Very friendly dove

You are not afraid of me!

I bow to your heart.