Rocky start...

I was at the edge...you know that place where you're seemingly perfectly functional but are really drowning in your own bitter juices.  The combination of fear, discontent, melancholia, and a recent death had me glued to my iPad, hiding out in my big red chair.  I had lost all enthusiasm for life and was stuck in that narrow margin between too scared to live and too scared to die.  Then I met Ronda. A few months ago I signed up for a private retreat with Ronda Larue at Ojai SoulArts to try and reclaim my life.  Someday I'll talk more about that, but for now I'll just explain about Rocky, who I met at my retreat.  Oh man, what a control freak!  Small in stature, brandishing a six gun, and a total tyrant.  One of those guys that answers the door with his pistol cocked, just in case.  Ran the entire show and would not ever let another opinion shift his, or allow himself to be wrong, or let any detail escape his judgment.  Was in serious danger of destroying the life he was trying to save by refusing to change his draconian and deeply rutted ways.  Suffice it to say I was absolutely shocked to make his acquaintance...rocked to my core...literally.  Because Rocky IS my core...Rocky is my ego...my rational, left brained, subconscious  ego.  I'd been following his script for most of my life, but he didn't start out so strong...he fed on all the negative messages I'd received through the years...did not forget a single one it appears.  I named this ego metaphor Rocky because he was so weighing me down.  In his convoluted thinking, I needed to be protected from the world, but his strong-arming was aimed wrongly and his behavior just manifested as a deeply unhappy Jane.  But good news!  I learned to talk with Rocky and all the other metaphors for thought patterns/behaviors...Softy (now Spirit) and Victim aka the Sleeper, Shame, Razor, the Relationship, and brand new to the fold, the Excuser and Great Expectations.  (No, I do not have multiple personalities..it is just a technique to help get a handle on how your thinking and being works).  I am sure new characters will show up and that the cast will evolve as we work towards a happy synergy.  More good news...Rocky is willing to "retire" back to his appropriate job of reinforcing my sense of self in healthy ways in tandem with Spirit!  This is one hell of an adventure and I'm thrilled to be on it.  More tales from the front forthcoming.

Sitting in the rain

My umbrella is leaking

The candle still burns