I have clarified some around fear and expectation...man do I have a lot of expectation! Especially regarding family and loved ones. There is, in my mind, the perfect picture of how things should be and absolutely no one is conforming! How rude! Seriously, it is my biggest problem. People say in passing they are going to do this or that and then don't. People say they aren't going to put up with that and they do. People want to do something with you and then cancel. People lie, don't stand up for themselves, forget, and sometimes just don't care. This is nothing new...but I have just now realized that I am surprised and dismayed every time it happens. Every single time. Talk about insanity! Clearly I am too invested in outcome...too needy...too attached to what I want.
So, how do I uninvest? Who is in charge of that? Well, it's a kind of neediness so it sounds like ego. But there seems to be some fear around it as well. And judgement. Let me get quiet for a moment. :::Pausing to breathe::: It definitely feels like fear...when people don't conform to my vision, I feel unimportant. I feel fearful they don't really care. They don't trust that my way is best and I feel minimized. Wow. It's Rocky and fear in collusion! I trust Rocky now...even tho mistakes are still made, I know he is on my side...but the fear is very large for him to handle. :::a bit more breathing:::
It's a reminder I need to get on with my life. I'm still indulging in magical thinking...that my purpose, my gift to give will just show up. I'm still waiting for my life to expand without my growing it myself. And I am being VERY preoccupied with what I get. Self-centered much??? LOL
I need to do two things...1) get out in the world and find what I love and 2) practice more gratitude and giving without expecting return. It is beyond time to be of service to this world and get the heck out of my own personal litte universe.
Smooth and delicate...
Small container of new life
Cracks to let it out!
No comments:
Post a Comment