The new happiness...

I remember what happiness feels like...it's that jangly almost tingly rush of excitement.  It's that feeling of expectation and anticipation of something that is surely going to be the funnest thing ever. Happiness is doing something you love, or want to love...it's the rush of adrenalin that moves you to your goal and beyond.  It's wanting to jump up and own and run in circles to express your enthusiasm.  Eyes glowing, giant smiles, shivers of electricity.  I remember happiness.  But I don't feel that kind of happiness anymore.  I've thought for a while that I'm depressed because I don't.  Felt really sorry for myself...poor me...no excitement.  Wondered if I would ever be happy again.

You know, you find your teachers every freakin' where!  I was reading a magazine recently (I have torn the house apart trying to find it but it's gone) that talked about the nature of happiness.  It seems, according to the article, that happiness changes as we age, or at least as we mature.   Youthful happiness is all about exuberance...excitement for what's coming up.  More mature happiness is based in what is right with the world today.  A gross generalization might be that the two expressions of happiness are future vs now.  I'm in the stage of calm happiness.  In fact, happiness itself is now defined for me as contentment...the kind of feeling that encompasses gratitude for what one has, a lessening of expectation.  My life right now...the gifts, the blessings, the people, the things, everything that is good right now...creates a perhaps less incandescent but much deeper sense of satisfaction that I have lived and am living well.

There are dark things, painful things, hurt, and fear...of course...but the satisfaction comes from having survived it all so far and seeing the balance of "bad" vs "good" has been struck in my favor.  I no longer have to worry if I'm going to make it, I already have.  I don't concern myself with having to do all the new exciting things...one can't do them all and I've done plenty.  No need to rush about trying to achieve...my life is an open book...I have both achieved and failed and again the balance serves me.  I can and do pleasurably anticipate something exciting happening, but I know that the real joy comes in the savoring of the moment.  I know that excitement is a body feeling that is much more fleeting than the full sensory enjoyment of calmly appreciating the here and now.

I so recall looking at older adults as boring and having no spirit...dead before they died.  I vowed  to be different.  I promised myself to be wildly happy and yell yes to everything until there was nothing new and I fell dead from exhaustion.  That was fun for a while.  Now I find that same kind of feeling when I look deeply into someone's eyes as I did bungee jumping. Hang gliding was exhilarating, but so is gathering all your children and grandchildren (and great-grandchildren) around you.  I loved parties, but sitting quietly in a room with loved ones...each perfectly accepting each other and the moment...is much more intimate and fulfilling.  Yes, it does look boring (and occasionally is) but there is that calm acceptance...that feeling of all is well...that I now realize IS happiness.  I am happy.

Tiny tiny bud

appreciating the sun

by unfurling one petal.